-This is extremely difficult because our brains are wired to be tribal and society enforces it.

-It helps to think logically about this and requires constant reinforcement.

– It gets easier as you get older

Note: I don’t mean this in an @sshole way. I believe in being kind and pleasant with all people, when possible. I think this feels much nicer than going around being a jerk. But we all need limits and boundaries to various degrees.  This is also aimed at adults, because when you are younger you do need some guidance to build a foundation and your mind is basically just absorbing everything around you.

This is so important and so relevant not only to art, but all of life. It can make you waste the best years of your life. I know, I have wasted many and I’m not sure I’ve entirely shaken this. It’s also unconscious, as most people don’t even realize how their lives are dominated by other people.  I speak from experience. This was a MAJOR obstacle for me when I was younger and actually stopped me from pursuing what I should have been pursuing for a very long time.

When I was a teenager, I didn’t even know what I genuinely wanted anymore.  This was because I had a self image created by other people. The idea of being a ‘good person’ and pleasing others and – caring about what they think. It felt suffocating and it made me really resent other people. Logically, I knew it didn’t matter. Who is anyone to judge me? Why would their opinion be more important than mine? Furthermore, my opinion doesn’t change anyone else, so why should their opinion (real or imagined) have any impact on me? Yet this pressure persisted. I think much of this is due to society norms, there are many messages we receive on a daily basis to reinforce this behavior that we should care what others think and there’s something wrong with you if you don’t. It’s in the ads thrown in our faces without our consent, in the media we consume by default.

It’s also due to the tribal wiring of humans. The built in group think for safety, security and survival. I literally remember this when I was younger. I remember choosing the safer option, the option that didn’t make me stand out, the fear. It was often unpleasant to realize this and I didn’t want to admit it to myself, but I am so glad I was at least somewhat conscious of this at work in my mind. It is about survival though. And if your survival depends on other people and their approval (as when you are a kid) then those people have control over you. People can pretend all they want, but at the root of most of the things in life is survival. You can have all the morals that sound so wonderful, but threaten someone’s survival and it can all come crashing down.

Also, I noticed that the people who watch, judge and talk the most about others are not people I like, respect or want to be around. Think about it. If someone has the time and energy to judge, gossip, talk about others – what does that say about them? Many people behave this way, and sometimes it’s difficult to even avoid it. So, it’s really difficult to find high quality people to be friends with that don’t behave like this! I mean real friends who you can really be yourself around, not superficial crap relationships out of convenience or forced by close proximity.  

It’s difficult because to be a higher quality person you have to have a high level of consciousness which takes a massive amount of effort.  I’ve noticed that most people aren’t working at that or are even thinking about it.  It’s not something that you are taught, it’s something you end up seeking out. Unless you are lucky enough to have high conscious people in your life which seems so rare.

Luckily, I’ve always really enjoyed being alone. When I look back at my life, there’s only a very few people I considered genuine friends, though I’ve known many people. Someone is not worth having in your life if they criticize you, try to change you, or sabotage you. The problem is many family members behave this way and you are literally their prisoners as they are the ones supporting you as a kid. And then this behavior gets absorbed over many years and passed on and on and on. This is nothing new, it’s basic psychology and many people have talked about it. It’s just a shame because it causes so much suffering.

Another point is, why does someone’s opinion of you (or what your doing) matter? Why are they right? Why is their definition or belief of _____ more important than yours? It’s not.  Many times when I’ve looked closely at someone who criticized me, I saw that they are not someone I have much respect for or want to be like.  Often it’s about control. I’m not saying people should be closed minded. There’s a balance between being open minded and going with your own intuition and it depends on the context.  But then, is blindly accepting someone else’s opinion as truth open minded?

Examples of how pervasive this is:

Feeling obligated to do a favor or anything you don’t want to do. Why do it? Because you care what the person thinks and that is controlling your behavior. There may be negative consequences if you just say no and that person might even actively manipulate that.  Or you need something from that person, so you have to do what they want (survival). This often happens with work related things. You don’t owe anyone anything, but that requires a certain degree of independence.   I have experienced this many times.  Every time I decided to stop doing things that others wanted me to do, there was some kind of fallout.  But it’s a good way to weed out the bad people in your life.  Everyone has “jobs” in life that support their survival, the key is finding the boundary between your obligations and your own time and what you want for yourself. 

Not doing what you want (pursuing a goal, hobby, lifestyle, etc) – in many cases this is about other people’s influence over you that causes you to do what they want and not what you want. It definitely happened to me when I was interested in art / music as a child and was told it’s not something worth pursuing. Or maybe it’s not the cool thing to do. Maybe you are being told you should socialize more instead.

Marriage / Relationships / Kids – It’s crazy, but there is a significant outside pressure on people to get married and have kids just based on what others expect / think.  I know, because I absolutely experienced this myself – from my own family and many others. Some people I worked with that I barely knew (and barely liked) had the nerve to try to tell me I should want to have kids and that somehow I’m wrong to not want them! Luckily, I was strong enough to not give into all the pressure because it was NOT right for me. But this pressure was real, so real that it’s a relief to be older and not have to deal with it. Also, I  remember the pressure to date when I was single, coworkers / family asking why I don’t have a boyfriend when I was happy and ok with being single. Looking back now, it seems so beyond ridiculous that some people feel they have the right to comment of your personal life, unasked. Who the F are they???? Hopefully, nowadays it’s not like this anymore, but I doubt it.

Being stuck in various situations like a job, a relationship, living situation, – often it’s listening and caring about the opinions of others who don’t have our best interest at heart or think they know better than us that causes us to be stuck. Example, a parent tells you not to leave that job you absolutely hate, even though it’s making you miserable. Does that person really care about you? I think if someone needs to be miserable to meet another’s approval, there’s a problem there.

Getting older has its downsides, but one great benefit is that you really do naturally start to care less about what other people think. It just happens, at least to a degree. I think this is because you have more experience and learn to trust yourself over time and are less attached to the mainstream. You slowly dissolve all the BS you absorbed the first 20 years of your life and become yourself. It’s so satisfying. For me, I’ve done a lot of reading, listened to many perspectives and have formed my own mind and opinions. Interestingly enough though, I have very few strong beliefs anymore. Much less than when I was younger, in fact.

How to Overcome this

The reminders to motivate me are these questions –

Do I really want to be like most people or emulate their lives?

Who the hell is anyone else to dictate what I do or even have an opinion on it?

Why would someone else know better than me about my life?

Do I really want to let other people decide how I live my life?

Say No. Start small and keep going. For leisure activities, unless you absolutely feel excited to do something, don’t do it. If you are supporting yourself, your free time belongs to you and no one else. Instead of bending over backwards to please others, figure out what makes you happy and work towards that. It is so much much more rewarding than caring what people think.

Become comfortable with uncomfortable emotions. I noticed for me this was an issue. I’d often just do things to avoid the discomfort of not doing them and then regret it later. Now I try to get very clear about how I feel about something and then communicate that to the other person. If they can’t handle that, then I probably don’t want them in my life.

Remind yourself of the logic – Does your opinion have any impact on the person in question? If not, why should theirs have any impact on you?  Do you want your life determined by others’ opinions?

It really starts with awareness, as most things do.

Notice.

What are you thinking? What are you doing? Who is impacting these things in your life?

Once you see it, it becomes almost impossible to keep letting it affect you as long as you keep paying attention. 

Knowing yourself is the key to this.  No one can manipulate you when you know yourself and know what you truly want.