Things are never what you think they are. This definitely applies to health issues. What you imagine something is like, is very different from actually going through it. There is something Zen about the experience.
There is a stillness that arises. There’s a calm that I could never have imagined. Having an injury or health issue forces you to stop and when you stop, you gain access to something internal, something new that you might not have noticed in the ordinary course of life.
No one wants health problems. They suck. They get in the way of the flow of your life, stop you and limit you. But maybe being forced to stop isn’t always a bad thing.
A new perspective
Anytime I’ve had a medical procedure, it’s like I entered a hidden world I seldom see. It’s a world of amazing people who work as doctors and nurses in the medical industry. People that I rarely come across, sadly, unless I have a health problem. This is a shame because I think it takes someone truly special to be able to work in such an industry. Unfortunately, I am way too faint at heart to work in the medical field, but I have massive respect for those who can.
An Appreciation
When issues like this arise, you see things differently. It’s like the fog of lazy complacency gets lifted for a while. I see my life and how great it really is. I see how fortunate I’ve been. I remember all the amazing experiences I’ve had and the places I’ve been. I’ve gotten everything I could want in life and then some. It’s a reminder to be present because nothing lasts forever.
Realizing (again) nothing lasts forever
One of the worst things about health problems is realizing how much you took something for granted when it wasn’t a problem. A great example of this is when I tore my meniscus. I didn’t even know what it was, let alone appreciate its importance before I tore it and now it will never be the same again. But this is life. The reality is that nothing lasts forever no matter how much we don’t want it to be this way. You lose your youthful appearance, your abilities, and your body degrades over time. It’s worth taking care of yourself, but this also offers no guarantees that you will avoid health problems.
Facing Fear of Uncertainty
Another thing I noticed was how much control the fear of uncertainty has over me. This current health issue has really pushed me to the limits of my tolerance for uncertainty. There’s a large polyp of some sort in my colon. It’s likely cancer, but that’s all I know at this point. I don’t know what stage it is or if it’s spread. I’ve been told it probably hasn’t spread, but I don’t know for sure. Hearing the word cancer is like hearing that my life is over. I remember back to 20 years ago when my grandfather was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, completely unexpected, and 6 months later he was dead. This is different, but it brings me back to that experience and chills me to the core.
Accepting My Lack of Control
I am definitely someone that feels empowered when I have control over things like my health and my life. Things rarely catch me off guard. But I can’t see a clear reason why I have this health problem. What caused it? I haven’t gotten a definitive answer. I was told it could be genetic or even random! And that’s what bothers me the most – this happened even when I have really been trying to be healthy. I’ve literally never cared so much about my health or made so much of an effort as in the last 5 years! It’s like a slap in the face, really. But there’s so much we don’t have control over and it’s just something I have to accept.
So while most would consider this a bad thing, and I would have too, as I’m going through it, it really isn’t as bad as I would have expected. Sure, these moments of anxiety and fear pop up, but really here in the present moment – what’s changed? Only my knowledge of what’s going on in my body (which has been going on for years), only my thoughts of the future. A future I was so sure of, but hasn’t arrived yet.